Don't dress as Bernie Madoff for Halloween

I mourn the end of summer -- juicy blackberries, plump peaches, and ruby-red strawberries disappear from the produce section of my grocery store. Sandals are banished to the back of the closet. The parks slowly become bereft. But the summer always passes away in a blaze of glory. The transition from winter to spring is painful, the way it hurts to fight back from the brink of death or despair. Cold rains leave brown rivers of mud streaming through the backyard; dirty piles of half-melted snow and ice buttress the sidewalks.

But autumn is different. My neighbourhood is transformed beneath a blanket of gold and orange foilage; even the halfway house two lots down looks enchanting with a smattering of ruby-red maple leaves hiding the cigarette butts littering the front lawn. Big bright pumpkins grin from front porches, stalks of wheat make the splintered door frames seem charmingly rustic rather than run-down.

And then there's the last hurrah before those cold frosts invade the night: Halloween. For children, it's a wondrous time of uninhibited gorging and feasting on chocolates and treats. For adult women, it's an excuse to slut it up, clothing-wise. (Attention-hungry partygoers, after all, are sometimes the most frightening guests.) I've seen girls in outfits amounting to little more than bikinis or lingerie (rabbit- or cat-ear headbands made it a "costume") party it up in clubs on Halloween night -- which wouldn't be completely ridiculous if said clubs were in Miami, or San Diego, or Austin. But when you're bordering Detroit and there's snow on the ground, these kinds of outfits look pretty stupid.

I love Halloween, personally. But, as a woman, I am not interested in going to parties and ogling girls in barely-there costumes. (Not that I don't enjoy making snarky "Oh my God, look at her" comments to my husband -- who has the good sense to pretend to share my condescending opinion.) And I don't have a young child to dress up and take trick-or-treating. (How I'll treasure those first few Halloweens when I can take all my kid's candy!) So what do I do? Gather some friends to watch the Halloween classics (just saw an incredible piece of Australian film-making that involved zombie fish), pig out on candy corn, and take the dogs to Petsmart's Howl-o-ween party. Baby is dressing as Snow White.

Happy Halloween, friends. Celebrate as you will.